How to Stay Centered, The Value in Losing

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  Recently, as an artist, I have had a string of small disappointments. Small things, individually, but each a blow to my ego, and each, perceived by me as a lost chance at the hoped for little bump which had the potential to, I don't know, get me noticed, secure gallery representation, translate into a real living instead of years of what could be perceived as a vanity project. But the last disappointment just knocked me off my game completely. Again it was nothing big, just a publication I didn't get into. Maybe just the last straw. And so, the ability to behave like a good loser has become a special added challenge.

 This is not a post which will bestow answers. This is all about the questions. How to stay centered as a person, an artist, and, as a parent--I have to set a good example. What a burden! But how does one best exemplify being a good loser? Especially, losing at something one loves? Something one has chosen? You have to reexamine what it was you wanted. OK. I have to de-legitimise what I formerly found worthy? Because it feels like that--and that the alternative is to take the judgement to heart. My best self goes into hiding. There is a lot of talking to oneself.

 Mostly I'm talking reaction. I know I have control over my reaction. What a bore--to not get angry! I know that's best. I only have to think back to my mother's reactions to saddening disappointments to know how one is supposed to react: stoically, maybe a few tears, but you didn't blame anyone and you would, of course, shortly, carry on, because who knew what you might have to face next? You'd better be ready!

I think there might be a spoiled kid in me that never had a chance to be.

So carrying on may mean, at least for now, not putting so much stock in opinions other than my own. Maybe going more interior. Searching again for the strength within...my center.

And maybe I need to remind myself that the successes I have had are not negated by these multiple  rejections. They exist separately. I should be thankful for all of the judgements made in my favor. That's what my best self should do. I do get to choose the occasions to which I should attach value. There is, in this, a danger that believing in the positive reinforcements exclusive of the negatives can produce an ego without a critic. Not helpful.

That is counter to the latest mantra...something about putting yourself outside your comfort zone, etc.

Stretching one's boundaries, etc. Stretching is strengthening. It must be a balance thing, a yin/yang thing. Stretching and expanding boundaries while maintaining a strong center. Really though, at my age, getting mad still feels good and if there is a way to tap into that energy I don't want to bury it.

Searching still. But in the meanwhile. Here (below) is My Problem in Yellow or, as I sometimes call it: If I Don't Sell a Painting Soon I'm Going to Have to Get a Real Job